I’m laughing beause I’m very sad. I just listened
to a number of sad songs – Bob Dylan and Johhny Cash singing, “North Country Fair”.
It’s a wildly moving song of love and loss. Got me in the solar plexus.
I’d go outside and start sobbing on my hands and knees on the sidewalk,
but my neighbours already think I’m weird..
I can see I’m going to have to move back into the bush – where the spirits
of everything is at you fingertips – and you can feel taste and hear the things you love.
And if you focus and say a mantra (prayer) and breath deeply, you can taste the redemptive taste of God, Himself – utter clarity.. And if you sing out a prayer, he might answer you – or sing along.I need some company when I listen to that song, because it breaks my heart. I think of a courageous friend who was with me when I first heard that song,I associate the song with her – and the sense of loss is almost overwhelming.
Even the people I am with, I’m somehow distant from them, except for maybe my children. I’ve always been an outsider. I’ve always been an observer, all my life.
When my father was dying, I alone was sitting with him – and I was taking notes.
And when I was making love with a beautiful woman, I was writing a poem on her
stomache. Not everbody likes this.
But you know what you are, what you are, what you are – and I try to love the people around me as best I can. But it’s not always enough. Sooner or later I’m going to hit the road. For no good reason whatsoever except for my past.
I feel bad that I’m constricted in this way with women. That I always have to leave
for no good reason at all.
Well, I’m a singer and I’m a writer, maybe that’s the reason. I want to say to all the ladies I’ve been with: it wasn’t your fault. It’s not that you weren’t good enough or kind enough, no, it’s an imperative I labour under from my past.
I loved you all. But I couldn’t stay.
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