OK, to be honest, the clinic was never called
KLEAR YOUR MIND — ORGASM CLINIC
But a benefactor called it by that name
and broadcast the name in a massive advertising campaign
that had my clients running for the hills faster than
my intensely surprising FAST-RELAX methods.
I`m surprised our advertiser forgot the
words KWIK CURE! The clever, sophisticated professional woman
realizes after a decade of misery, and after
several husbands have been shown the door, that
she has ORGASM REPRESSION issues – well, this calibre of
lady is not going to go for the type of therapist
who approves of the “K” in KLEANSE YOUR BODY, KLEAR
YOUR MIND — ORGASM KLINIC.
No, certainly not, but my cousin Morty did the sign “as
a favour” to me and at the urging of his mother. As a
SURPRISE he purchased the acreage
above the clinic, and erected a GIGANTIC BILLBOARD that
can still be seen from the highway.
And his considerate message to me was: “In business,
you can`t have too much publicity!”
His mother comes from an extremely wealthy family
in mining, building construction and leasing – and having
been cured by my clinic, she insisted Monty give the whole
therapy team “a Bonus we`d never forget…”
“`A Bonus for the Boneman` was how she put it,” Morty
assured me. `That fucker deserves it!` was exactly what she
I can’t discuss too much of her case, but
suffice it to say I cured her orgasm repression
syndrome. But in doing so… (I freely admit it now)
I used a little too much current in the electrical
stimulation wand I used to effect the cure.
Now she can achieve orgasm… but only
through a constant application of electrical stimulation
The aspect of her treatment that no one could foresee
is that, as the years pass, more and more current
becomes necessary in order to please her and give
Now she can receive pleasure only after a significant
jolt of pain, and she says she thinks of me each
time she has to apply the electrodes.
If she doesn’t engage in sexual activity, her
stutter becomes worse and she develops a tic in her
left eye, which is noticeable to the point of becoming
Her lawyers have assured me that she never did
have a stutter before I cured her with my somewhat
surprising treatment – though this is the sort of thing
that can never be proven in a Court of Law.
She still harbours a certain resentment of me
and my methods. The phrase, “deep and abiding hatred” was
used in one letter I received from her barrister.
Note: My only comment on the case is that many of us
need to feel an intensity of pain before we are permitted to
feel pleasure – as we labour under the tyranny of whatever
complex afflicts us.
At 7:00A.M. I take a drive down the valley to where
the clinic is located, and I see the second billboard:
KLEAR YOUR MIND ——-ORGASM CLINIC
BODY KLEANSE IN TEN! ——GUARANTEED!
WE’LL REALLY FIX YOU!
I open the clinic door and walk into the
hallway. Dr Laura, my assistant hands me a bright yellow
It’s early morning, before coffee… She is almost
always charming and gracious about saying “hello” quietly
not knowing what delicate state of mind I might still be
enduring at this hour.
But what’s this? No hello and no coffee, and…
and is she snickering behind her hand…? Are those tears
tears of laughter? Is she about to scream with GLEE??
She hands me a stack of about 500 more bright yellow
pamphlets. I read the promo Morty had written. First
the handwritten scribble, “Not to worry – 22,000 of these
are already distributed… On the porches of everyone
you know, everyone you might one day want to know!”
I open the bright yellow brochure.
It’s an advertising jingle. The words are written in big purple
letters, about half-inch high letters… big purple
letters against a vibrant yellow background! Ye gods!
I don`t even have to read the words to know
the message is disturbing…!
” KLEAR YOUR MIND, SHAVE YOUR PUBES,
LET THE DOC UNLOCK YOUR TUBES!
GIVE A CHEER WHEN YOU HEAR THE THUNDER,
IT`S “SURPRISE!” FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER!”
I call Laura on the intercom: “Ah, Laura, how many…”
“Morning, sir!” she replies. (She never calls me sir…
she is floating on a cloud of her own hilarity…)
” How many of these delights….how many have gone
” DON`T CALL ME, SIR!” I am losing whatever thin
veneer of respectability I might have… ever had…`
(I don`t like to shout in the mornings…. I prefer to fall
to my knees and beg forgiveness for my sins of the night
before, whether I committed them or not…)
“Ha! Ha! Yes, well Morty`s Note says: “DON`T
WORRY, BOSS, I`M ON THE JOB!”
“That`s not reassuring…what else does the little
bastard have to say?”
“His next words seem to say… “NO SWEAT, PAPERED
THE NORTH-EAST SECTOR!”
I have a sinking feeling in my chest and a rising feeling
in my stomach… “WHY ME? I ask as I run to the sink on my
knees…. I vomit six or seven times…tasting last night’s
bottle of rye whiskey.
I’m shuddering, half-naked on the lino… shaking with the
Returning to the phone I choke out, “North-East SECTOR! What does he mean…. SECTOR”
“It seems to be a rather large sector, sir.
Here we have it – written on the back:
` From Forest Hill to Beverly Hills,
From Ocho Rios to Hay River`….”
“That helps, thanks Doctor….
Having the personality I have, and the few highly-
inventive bad habits, I have awoken many mornings
only to face disasters on the Richter scale.
I intend to handle this crisis the only possible
way I can – Lock the doors, close the drapes, turn off
the phone and the television, and start living life
under a different name…
Who am I this morning?
None of us need to know.
Unfortunately the local papers did know
put a photograph of Morty`s Billboard on the front page, and
the New York, Miami, and Toronto papers followed suit.
I observed a number of expensive vehicles peel out
of my lot in reverse, soon as they observed the
special “K” in Klear…
As a result, the misery of a a number of troubled
women continued longer than necessary… all because of
Marty`s misguided enthusiasm and his mother’s evil glee.
I asked for a discreet sign – small official letters in
a Bronze plaque beside a not at all ostentatious black front
door with brass handle.
Imagine the delight of a rather famous movie star
when she was flash-photograped by dozens of members
of the press, soon as she stepped discreetly
out of the Clinic side door…
To have her profile exposed between the words,
“KLEAR” and “ORGASM CLINIC”
She was not at all pleased –
especially since the parts she played suggested in
no uncertain terms that having an orgasm was the
least of her problems… In other words she was moaning
and rocking her head back and forth, burbling in baby
talk and cumming like a freight train at least twice a night
in all of her “Action Films.”
There was action, all right, just
not sufficiently RELAXIN ACTION in her own life.
In this unwitting promo, she about as hot as
her accountant drinking iced water, counting cool percentages.
PUBLICITY – the two-edged sword! The actress felt it
and the politician`s wife; and now my team, we`re worried
about it as well.
I have found a charming spot way north of Rio –
a relaxing no-name resort at Wait-A-Bit. The rooms smell a bit,
but we get no news up here.
Oh yes, and the wife of our high level politician
was not happy either… But, knowing the politician,
everybody assumed it was highly likely that anyone
close to such a demi-man in the haute monde was going to
have orgasm problems at the very least –
not to mention major difficulties with a psychotic break
over the sudden appearance of STDs.
(C)2013-2016 by W.G. Milne