Screenshot fromSANTA'S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE 2014-05-17 17:54:38Friday, September 2, 2016

p.s.  You don’t have to have a kindle to order this book. You can order it as a regular e-book.


         O.K. I’ve published some books at Two of the books do indeed have dark humour or gallow’s humour or black humour or horror humour or twisted humour or all of the above kinds of
laughter inducing stuff.
         I’ve been getting the odd ugly e-mail
telling me I’m a sick prick, a perverted monster…   among other
 unfortunate names, other
insults regarding the purity of my writing endeavours… or the lack thereof.
         (I can’t cut and paste with my new system,
so I’ll have to type up a summary.)

         I’ve been criticized for this dark humour.
But let me assure all readers of one thing –
the gallows humour is 100% intentional. How else are you going to survive horrendous
circumstances? If you don’t learn to laugh at
the horror, you are in serious trouble.
         I remember one time at College Park
criminal courts, I had just gotten one guy out on bail. I was walking him out of the Court.
I was saying to the guy, “Fly straight. Be careful with this freedom. If you pull one more assault ( especially when you’re out on bail) you’re not going to see daylight for a very long
time. Good luck.”  And just as I was saying this, stepping out into the hall with my client,
the police dragged me off and put the cuffs on me. Right in front of my client.

            I have always had long hair ( except for the time in Penetang medium security jail,
when I shaved my head – the whole range had lice in their hair). I was raised in Jamaica by a Jamaican woman, who taught me some very basic Biblical values.
           My parents were busy socially and threw
some very elegant parties, with plenty of famous people attending.
            But Miss Gwen talked to me every day.
Sharing her beliefs with me, always with a sense of humour. One of these values is: “A man’s strength is in his hair.”  She mentioned this to me many times, and now I believe it.      There’s nothing logical about this belief. I just feel better with long hair down my back… There’s also the myth about the Lion of Judah, which we won’t get into just now.
            However, having long hair in the criminal justice system does not always work
to your advantage. Some of my lawyer buddies,
when they came upon a really bizarre case, they’d refer it to me –  if there wasn’t much money in the case.
            I found myself defending one guy for fucking a sheep, but that’s another story for another time. The farmer caught him at it.
All of a sudden he flashed on the lights in the barn. My client was bare-assed, wearing nothing below the  waist but rubber boots.
The sheep’s hind hooves were in the rubber boots also. The farmer had a shotgun…
            You get the picture.

             Anyway, one day I was daydreaming in Court. My client wasn’t coming up on the list for about an hour. I was reading a novel, just relaxing, sitting in one of the chairs reserved for lawyers at the front of the Court, about 20 feet away from the judge. There were well over 100 people in the Court – defendants with their families.
             I was nodding off, still I heard the judge say, “TAKE THE PRISONER DOWNSTAIRS.”
            I went back to reading my novel, when  suddenly I realized the bailiffs were coming for me. One of them had a hand on my left arm, the other had a hand on my right arm. They were about to take me downstairs to the cells. I came fully awake pretty fast and started shouting, “NO! NO! NO!”
            The whole Court was laughing. It was a horrible experience, a terrible way to wake
             It turns out the whole thing had been arranged ahead of time by my lawyer pals, the guys I graduated with.
           I can still see all the laughing faces, even to this day, when I start to daydream, all the dreams aren’t pleasant.


          So you can see where some of the humour comes from.
           I hope there’s some humour in “SANTA’S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE”.
I was certainly laughing much of the time
when I wrote it.
          I’ve looked at law from both sides now. And the survival tips I give in this book are actually practical and useful. If you’ve been arrested while you’re in the midst of deep and disturbing, bizarre and twisted hallucinations,
           I have experience in these matters and I might save you months of your free time, if you read this particular book…Or even years, if you’re up to your knees in legalistic excrement.
           Feel free to ignore my legal advice, if it suits you. I don’t practice anymore ( though I can do certain referrals). 
           Laughter is the best medicine, so they say. I won’t be offended if you message me
about how sick my books are, or if you laugh…
where I’m coming from, that’s a compliment.

                                 (C)2015 by W.G. Milne




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