DRUG REPORT, THE DENTIST… AND THE DAY GOT STRANGE
“Name Imust nbort reveak”
“This is the sort of sentence you”ll write
after taking it.”
“I found a drug that not only makes you
inarticulate in the morning; it makes you
stutter unattractively all through the afternoon.”
“It affects your motor functions;
(you won’t be able to ride your bicycle, anywhere
but in your own driveway).”
“It wipes your memory right out!
I mean completely!”
(It just took me three minutes trying to spell
the word, “please” – and that’s a word I use a lot!
Now I’m having trouble with the word, “minute.”
“Oh, yes, it’s also taken me over ten
minutes to type this Notice… So it annihilates your
typing skills as well.”
“Though, to be fair, I’m typing in the dark,
using only the light from the computer screen, and
my eyesight seems a little blurry.There are no light bulbs
in this apartment., and there haven’t been any light bulbs
in this apartment for a considerable time.”
“There was a list here somewhere.”
“I can’t tell you the name of the drug
unless we’re alone together in an empty
EDITOR’S NOTE: To get to the bottom of the story
your Roving Reporter felt he had to take an extreme
multiple of the recommended adult dose.
LATER THE SAME DAY:
We’re at the restaurant.
I’m meeting with the mother of my daughter.
She sits down across from me at the table. In no
time at all she starts saying ugly things:
“I’ve had a rough week!” I say.
“You look terrible!” she says, “You’ve aged
twenty years in two weeks!”
My jaw is pounding. I’d had a bunch
of teeth pulled an hour ago. I’d just finished
the Drug Report about 4:00 A.M.. My fever’s
worse. And I smell some kind of odour
in the place.
“You look like you’re going to die!”
“That’s about how I feel,” I say.
Things are moving in the wall behind her head.
I try not to notice.
I say to her, “Look, I don’t want to hear anything
negative right now, especially about myself. I’m telling
you I’ve had a rough week, I mean really rough!”
“I just had six teeth pulled and then the Doc said:
‘Come back next week and we’ll do the other side!'”
“Day to day I’m running a high fever. I’m
sweating and my face is red. And it’s not pretty,
I’m dripping from places that aren’t supposed
I look into her eyes. She looks good,
healthy, fine, OK… But these days you can
She says, “You look 80, at least!”
“80? I say, “I feel older than 80!
I can’t even ride my bicycle.I was weaving all over the
road. I just clipped a post. A lot of cars were honking.
And I’d hardly left my yard!”
I hand her the money.
She says, “Well… I gotta go.”
I reach out to shake her hand.
She backs away and says, “I can’t
shake that! God knows what I’m gonna catch!”
I watch her walk out the door. Then I
get up, stumble over to the exit sign. I push hard
to get outside.
I walk my bicycle this time
all the way across town.
Respectfully submitted, R.R.