BRING BACK THE LASH! DEALING WITH CLERICS IN PARTICULAR AND CLERGYMEN IN GENERAL
It seems it’s O.K. to talk about mystical union with the One who is creating us, but it is not acceptable to enter into the psychological depths of the intricacies and necessities of a Woman’s Orgasm in the same article. This is what, sacrilege? What century are we living in?
May I suggest to you – it’s not such a big step from the 21st century back to the 16th century, when they had public lashings and brandings! But it wasn’t all fun and games.
Do you know how long the Spanish Inquisition lasted for? A hundred years? Oh, no the private torture chambers continued long and long. And the public didn’t get to see! Nor did they get to see the hidden repressed spasmodic orgasms of the long-robed clergy… Nor do we now, for the most part, but we get to see them weeping in their beers the morning after, begging for forgiveness.
( The Spanish Inquisition continued on for 600 years.)
My position is this: forgiveness is the Christian way. Ho! Ho! But before we forgive these pale, limp-wristed members of our clergy – skin that makes ’em look like they’ve been hiding under lily pads all their lives: it’s our absolute and holy duty to put them through a few hoops.
The hoops should be: (1) Fearful public humiliation; (2) a taste of the lash over some months.
As Charlie’s Nana used to say most mornings at breakfast, from the time Charles was three: “Cowards fear pain; and they hate to cower in public; and to scream like eunichs every time they feel a taste of the Lash! This is good for their grovelling souls; and to expect more of the same each Sunday morning, with exacting regularity… It makes them think.”
“And one thing you can be sure of: never will such a half-man/ half-newt transgress again! In fact, it’s quite possible you’ll never see the fearful little shrimp in public again for the rest of his life!”
“No one will miss him! Besides, the Lash is cheap! It doesn’t cost a hundred grand a year to keep the little fruit behind bars. And also there is the social aspect to consider: it’s fun for the whole family to watch such a wimp begging in public – on his naked knees, “Please don’t lash me again. No, please! And his weeping and loud bawling: everyone enjoys that! Especially when he tries to wiggle and crawl off into the audience; and there’s no escape nor mercy anywhere.”
“Then she’d pat me on the head,” says Charlie, and she’d look into my eyes with the deepest seriousness: “Never forget, sonny, ‘Hilarity is to the public’s good.'”
Says Charles. “I never knew what that phrase meant. Nor do I ever want to know.”
(3) Oh yes, the third hoop that must be written permanently into our Criminal Code is this: “Any anal tears the perpetrator causes, he shall receive in kind.” Now as a former defense attorney I must admit, this provision sounds a bit ominous, especially when followed by this following clause “All provisions of this section shall be judicially interpreted solely in terms of the tenets of the Old Testament.”
This entire section is a bit like Wonder Bread – you eat it and wonder. And I can only shake my head and wonder about the implications. Though, having listened to the Affadavits of Charlie’s grandmother, I must say, “All in all I approve wholeheartedly.”
You must weight the limited pain to a few dubious defendants against the health,
happiness and psychological well being of the entire non-offending Community.
I do forsee a few possible legal problems with any admissions against interest the clergyman makes in public, while under the lash. But we’ll deal with those ducks when they start to quack.
One thing I must say, though, after a six months program of screamings and lashings, our public prisoner would have no psychological blockages left. Though he might have developed a few tics, involuntary quavers and shudders he’d prefer no one ever see him do in public ever again.
So it goes. Explore every mystery, no matter how disgusting the journey might become;
your Roving Reporter will see it all the way through to the end!
“Discard nothing. Everything may serve.” Carpe diem.