BACK IN THE BUSH FOR GOOD WITH MY UNDERTAKER, MORTICIAN’S HUMOUR part 3

SELF-LOGO THREE****Screenshot from 2013-12-08 21:56:39

 

There was nothing to be done

but take the supplies into the tent

and sleep with them there –

four men and a wood stove. I

decided it was time to start drinking

in earnest, so I wouldn’t have to

listen too closely to the tall tales

these guys were starting to tell.

(You stay in the bush too long

and you start laughing about

diferent things than what you

usually find funny. You start

imagining things. You even

imagine all your jokes are

hilarious.)

*

By 8:00 P.M. it had been dark

three hours, so everybody slipped

into their sleeping bags.

In another hour I was

in the bag, as they say, because I

was drinking authentic Canadian Rye

Whisky. And thank God for it,

because people were really telling

the stories now.

*

My undertaker opens the discussion

by asking me if I know what they make

womens’ perfume out of.

“Why no,” I reply. “But I’m sure

you’re going to tell me.”

“Beaver balls!” he says. “Damn right!”

(As if I were questioning his integrity.)

“Yep, great big vats of nothing but

beaver balls… you go to a fur auction and

see if I’m not right!”

Could this be true, I wonder, or is this

man pulling my leg? I quaff another beer

and crunch up the can, tossing it into

the corner of the tent. It hits the

plywood.

“Also, whale sperm,” says Joe.

“You mean sperm whales, don’t

you?” I asked.

“No, whale sperm,” says Joe,

perfectly deadpan.

“Jesus! You guys have been

in the bush too long!”

*

The subject of the sources

of womens’ perfume continued

for some time, but what was said is

not fit for women, child, nor dog.

(Nor would the editors print it.)

Unfortunately your roving reporter

had to hear it all, all the gruesome

details of how perfume is extracted

from poor unsuspecting

animals.

*

One day some months before this,

I had motored across the lake and started

trolling in the weeds. I caught two nice

pike and went back to the camp.

Joe was from Manitoulin Island.

Walt was from New Jersey. So I say to

Joe: “Joe, do you want to clean these

fish for lunch?”

Joe says, “No, I was raised on fish.”

So I turn to Walt: “Hey, Walt! Do you

want to clean these fish?”

Walt says: “No, I was raised on

macaroni.”

*

Walt knew nothing about the bush

at all. And being the only camp in about

seven miles, building the only cabin on

a two mile lake, well, Walt was out

of his depth. So Joe was enjoying

himself at Walt’s expense.

The last week Joe had told

Walt that bears want revenge upon

the human race.

*

“Bears have studied sociology

and they’re mad as hell,” Joe had

told him. Walt believed him. He

had a little trouble sleeping

nights after his talks with Joe.

So when a few days later

the bears actually did attack

the camp and ripped it in half

and took everything that was

edible and most things that

were not, Walt ran off in

a hurry. He climbed to the top of

a tree some distance away and he

wouldn’t come down.

When Joe was able to coax

Walt down out of the tree…much later

when Walt got hungry, Joe told him

that the bears had been planning

the raid for days.

*

Walt believed that, too.

2016-03-17 00.11.24 (2).jpg JOE BEBONING, WALT, LAUGHING BEARS

 

(C)2016 by W.G. Milne

Caricature sketches by Ernie Taylor

 

HOW TO GET MEDIA ATTENTION WHEN YOU’RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

 

 

HOW TO GET MEDIA ATTENTION WHEN YOU’RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

________________________________________________________

 

(1) SAY OR DO SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS.

 

(2) There will be a furor, an outraged protest

about what you have said or done

INSULT THE PROTESTORS!

 

(3) When various groups come out against you,

and even more  of the same ethnic groups

start to hate you…

INSULT THEIR PARENTAGE!

 BERATE AND MOCK AND INSULT THIS TYPE OF PEOPLE,

STRESS THEIR  INADEQUACIES!!

  MAKE FUN OF THEIR LAUGHABLE LACK OF MECHANICAL SKILLS…

INSULT THE QUALITY OF THE ROTTEN CARS THEY MAKE AND DRIVE

 

(4) When asked by the press what the hell you think you’re doing,

explain to the reporters that they are not well enough educated

to even write a sentence properly. State that their editors,

all of them, are mentally challenged; and the owners are

so insufficient financially, that: “THEY COULDN’T EVEN RUN

A SHOESHINE PARLOR!”

THEN OFFER PROOF OF WHAT YOU SAY!

 

(5 )  When people scream that you are a racist… Put on a show,

LOOK PERPLEXED, AS IF YOU ARE THINKING ON THE MATTER.

DON’T CLARIFY. DO NOT EXPLAIN…DISAVOW!!

THEN MAKE A STATEMENT THAT IS OBVIOUSLY UNTRUE.

 

(6) Enjoy a quiet interlude, have cognac for

a few hours… watch cable T.V.

CALL UP A TELEVISION STATION AND INSULT A POPULAR

FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR. TELL HER SHE’S TOO STUPID

TO READ THE NEWS, SAY YOU CAN SEE HER ARTICULATION

SLIPPING!

TELL HER YOU’LL GIVE HER A JOB ANYWAY…

YOU’LL PAY HER PLENTY TO COME  OVER TO YOUR HOTEL

AND MASSAGE YOUR FEET FOR A FEW HOURS…

 

(5) BE SURE TO INSULT YOUR POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

EVERY CHANCE YOU GET, CALL ONE OF THEM A LIAR!

STRESS THAT YOUR OTHER OPPONENT IS TOO SMALL

OF STATURE TO EVER BE PRESIDENT, AND HIS BRAIN IS

TOO SMALL   TO CONSIDER  BIG ISSUES.

 

Hire extra security and learn to duck quickly

 

(6) GO BACK TO NUMBER 1

A REPEAT ALL FIVE STEPS

DAILY.

 

 

(C) 2016 by W.G. Milne

 

 

BACK IN THE BUSH FOR GOOD, PART 2 – MORTICIAN’S HUMOUR

2016-03-17 00.13.34 (2).jpg LAUGHING BEAR use quote in article

**

 

In no time at all we were skipping across

the cool, calm waters of Lake Serenity and we

arrived at base camp. Luke and Manitou Joe

were there. The tent looked as if it had been

torn in half (which it had been) and they had

it nailed to a sheet of 4 X 8 foot plywood in

order to make a rather strange looking

shelter, with the stove pipe sticking out

the top, reminiscent of hobo town. The

place suited me perfectly.

*

“It’s no bed of roses up here,” Joe

said. Then he proceeded to explain to

me what had happened.

“I know it’s not, Joe,” said I,

“But what is? What is?”

*

“We were across the lake

getting logs when the bears

attacked the camp,” said Joe.

“They left in two different directions

leaving trails right over the hill.

We found one tent up there.

Also, five cans of engine oil.

They drank the oil.”

Not being able to resist it,

I said, “Jesus, that’s all we need

around here – a couple of

well-oiled bears. We need guns!

Guns with major stopping power.

Where is the artillery box? What

we need is a cannon!” I insisted.

*

I was informed that there

were no guns up there (since

the last accident), and that we’d

have to fight off the furry monsters

with pikes and axes.

After seeing

what they had done to the tent

when they were just frolicking.

(They walked in one end and

out the other, making two new

doors, tossing debris over their

shoulders, laughing their big

bear laughs and thinking their

black bear thoughts.)

 

 

2016-03-17 00.12.26 (2).jpg HIGH SPEED PRESS BOAT

BACK IN THE BUSH FOR GOOD,WITH MY UNDERTAKER

2016-03-17 00.11.24 (2).jpg JOE BEBONING, WALT, LAUGHING BEARSThe other day I had a strange

premonition that I was going to die,

so I did the only logical thing: I

went into the bush and I

asked my undertaker to

accompany me.

He’s tall and thin, almost

cadaverous, you could say, and

he looks just like what he is –

an undertaker (not so much

one of the guys who greet you

with a smile at the main door at

funeral time, but one of those

you just know they’ve got

working downstairs.)

“Eat, drink and be merry,” it

is said, “For tomorrow you may

die.” Well, that’s exactly what

we decided to do, my under-

taker and I. I bought an enormous

roast, and he two very large

sirloin steaks, about an inch and

a half thick. I bought corned beef;

he bought a side of bacon and a bag

of bones, for stewing, along ,of course,

with a few pounds of stewing beef. I

bought the olives, lemons, limes,

and the five bottles of Italian red wine

(gentle on my tender stomache). He

bought the Spumante Bambino. We

both chipped in on the four cases of

twenty-four, and I insisted on a large

supply of whiskey.

Onions, potatoes, yams, and that

was about all we figured we could

portage. Many women were invited,

but have you ever noticed that it’s

difficullt to get a woman into the

remote bush at 20 degrees below

zero. Especially if you have just met.

They wonder about your intentions.

Mine were simple… I needed

a nurse.

*

Anyway, we flew to where

the boat was, and once dropped

on the flat rock of the pre-cambrian

shield I felt a wave of euphoria

sweep over me. I waved “By by”

to the plane as it swept off over

the pines. The pilot asked me

when I wanted to get picked up.

I just said, “Never!”

Apparently he couldn’t see the

vicious aluminum boat hidden

between the trees, complete with

my KG7.

So it was a very short time before

we were screaming along the viscious,

thick black surface of the icy water

over Bear Lake, up the snaky waterway

and into the great beyond. My

undertaker handed me four beers

which I put into the pockets of

my coat. I had a thin, wild grin on

my face, the sort of smile you

can have only when you are

certain you are approaching

the EDGE at fifty miles an hour,

despite the ice flows, or maybe

because of them.

The undertaker screams,

I used to be a coyote, but that’s

all over nowoooooooooooooooo!.”

I have obviously picked the

right man for this rather difficult

mission.

*

 

 

 

 

2016-03-17 00.10.30 (2).jpg BACK IN THE BUSH WITH MY UNDERTAKER

YOUR LOVING HEART

received_423254784548474

 

________________

 

 

That God created  anciently is not so,

For all things are birthing new today;

And if there is a truth all men must know:

It’s that there is no past, all things are present day.

*

As we search for beauty, we know that beauty dies,

And all the world is set in depths of pain;

And as we search for truth, where lasting truth                          resides,

We learn the only absolute is change.

*

All across the world it is this way,

Truth rings a bell and then the temple sings:

All we crave keeps disappearing down a drain;

As sun and moon keep circling one vast ring.

*

And as we search and learn that life and death are so,

Rains hit hard and the stormy winds do blow;

And after all my travelling coast to coast, I learn

Round the world two times through heat and ice and                snow:

 

Your loving heart is all I need to know;

Your sweet sweet love is all I need to know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(C) 2016 by W. G. Milne

 

 

LOVE AND CHANGE, a poem

Your Loving Heart

______________

 

 

 

 

That God before created is not so,

For all things are birthing new today;

And if there is a truth all men must know:

It’s that there is no past,

All’s in present play.

*

As we search for beauty, we know that beauty dies;

And all the world is set in depths of pain.

And as we search for truth, where lasting truth resides,

We learn the only absolute is change.

*

All across the world it is this way,

The truth’s bell sounds and the temple sings;

All we crave keeps disappearing down the drain,

As sun and moon keep circling one vast ring.

*

And as we search and learn that life and death are so,

The seasons change and the wind does blow:

Your sweet sweet love is all I need to know;

Your loving heart is all I need to know.

 

 

 

(C)2016 by W.G. Milne

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